A Witton Tale

Witton Villa`s megastore, Witton Village, is offering two-for-one bed sheets this weekend. The offer is in conjunction with their ‘half price permanent marker pens`.

When asked about the promotion, a member of staff said- “The fans here are a fussy bunch, no matter who the manager is, they don`t want him. We have made an absolute killing on marker pens and bed sheets – they helped fund the players bought in the transfer window and goes some of the way to funding Agbonlahor`s financially crippling diet”.

He then added- “If we lose at St. Andrew`s on Sunday, it`ll be bedsheets, I mean curtains, for Potato Head, the megastore staff will be asked to work over time”.

The member of staff then said- “Of course, we won`t lose though, because we won a few cups in 1734, did you know that, have we told you?”.

It is thought that the aforementioned Villa striker, and Weight Watchers slimmer of the year, Gabby Agbonlahor, has been told by all 73 manager`s the club has had in the last two years to ‘save himself` for the derby. Apparently, Blues are the only reason Agbonlahor is still classed as a football player rather than a shelf stacker for his local Lidl – he has a chance to add to his goal ratio of 1 every 432 games if he is in the squad on Sunday. And an extra-large buffet has been prepared in the away dressing room.

Meanwhile, wor Brucey has been blowing the ‘big club` trumpet. The spud-like Geordie told a source – “all big clubs close a stand in their ground now, it`s the norm. This is definitely the biggest club in Witton that I have managed and it`ll be an honour to see my name on a bedsheet sooner or later”.

When asked about his feelings on missing out on the England job, wor Brucey said- “Witton was always my ambition, not England. We`re a bigger club than England, did you know we have won the European cup? You probably wouldn`t know, our fans don`t tend to harp on about the past”.

When asked about his transfer plans going forward, wor Brucey said- “we`re after a lad called Damien Johnson who played for me at Birmingham in 31 different positions in a single game – still a world record to this day”.

When contacted, Witton owner Doctor Xia made a few 140 character statements saying something about bedsheets in the store. He claimed- “We now have a spare stand at Witton Park to store all these bedsheets. We have stopped collecting cups now, we`ve turned to a new hobby, we have an Ikea club card, it`s a massive step forward for our commercial department – we are in talks over a new sponsorship deal, the Ikea logo would look great with our pink and baby blue uniform”.

But a club charity spokesman confirmed- “when we are not playing, we donate the bedsheets to the homeless man that sleeps outside Witton Park, as long as he gives them back 24 hours before our next game just in case our fans decide the manager isn`t good enough – but that is very unlikely unless they have outstayed their welcome of about six weeks”.

On playing Blues, wor Brucey was asked about the rivalry. He said- “the derby is fantastic. It means a lot to Birmingham City fans in Birmingham and wor fans in Lichfield, Tamworth, Bromsgrove, Redditch, Leamington Spa, Meriden, Worcester, Droitwich, Walsall and Armenia”.